250g macaroni or spaghetti
1 green pepper
1 small onion
1 small tin of flaked tuna
1 bottle of boiled and filtered water
1 tbsp curry powder
1 tsp lemon pepper
1tsp hot pepper flakes
1/2 tsp garlic salt
For best results, prepare after sundown and shut off power supply.
Serves one person and various critters.
1. Light kerosene stove and lantern. Attempt to light both stove and lantern with single match for higher degree of difficulty and sense of accomplishment. Avoid igniting trail of kerosene leading to fuel supply, if possible.
2. Scrape residual soot from lead pot and deposit soot on front of T-shirt. Empty bottle of water into pot and set on stove to boil.
3. Scrape covering of soot from chopping board and finely chop green pepper, onion, tomato and ants.
4. Open can of tuna and drain vegetable oil. Ensure fingers are coated with oil for maximum slickness. When transferring can to kitchen table, squeeze gently and launch can across room.
5. Watch can hit floor with sufficient force to spray contents on to nearest wall to impressive height of four feet. Compare design created with work of Jackson Pollock and consider leaving it for posterity.
6. Find can hidden behind box on floor and celebrate the tuna remaining in can.
7. Cook pasta for ten minutes or until desired tenderness reached. Mix vegetables and tuna with pasta and season with spices.
8. Scrape covering of soot from bowl and serve. Near end of meal, briefly consider whether anything might have crawled into can of tuna when it was on the floor.
9. Use screwdriver to scrape off tuna affixed to wall while humming theme songs from "Jaws" and "Flipper".